Let’s be perfectly honest here. The moment you slip one of these American Flag dresses on, you’ve already signed a binding contract with yourself to get rip roarin’ drunk and ideally be promptly thrown out of the TGI Friday’s which you’ve now absolutely torn apart, from the margs to the loaded potato skins. Why? Because you’re a gawd damn American, and these patriotic dresses can open up doors you never thought possible, we’re talking Chili’s, Applebee’s, Red Robin, hell you can even turn over an IHOP if you’ve got the lady balls to bring a mini fridge worth of shooters in your red, white, and blue bra. What I’m trying to say is, I’m really hungry right now, could use some cheap drinks, and help yourselves to some stars and stripes dresses.

If you've ever blown up the whole pack of firecrackers at onceif you've ever played truth or dare with a bomb popif you've always thought Uncle Sam was kinda hotthen these American flag dresses are definitely for you. You follow three simple American party rules at 4th of July BBQs: show up ready to drink something red, white, and blue; dress for success; the most patriotic dress wins the title of Baberham Lincoln. Whether you're headed to a Betsy Ross lookalike contest at the beach or a regular ol' pool party, you'll have everyone seeing stars this Independence Day as they enjoy life, liberty, and the pursuit of that ass.

Speaking of Betsy Ross, she set the standard for fourth of July outfits by crafting the original inspiration for these outrageous party dresses. She probably would have enjoyed a juicy footlong in one herself if they hadn't been strictly against Colonial American dress code. Red, white, and blue skirts and dresses were fine, just not borderline erotic American flag dresses.

So stop trying to pick which color to wear this July 4th. Just wear them all in one red, white, and blue dress — because when you're draped in the colors of the great nation that made it possible to get tanked for $25 at Applebee's and wake up in the parking lot with the bartender, there's no such thing as a walk of shame.